The beginning:
9/30/04
I’m sure my decision was influenced by the fact that my first son, Forest, born in 1982, only lived 2 ½ months. And that since then, though I have been privileged to be present for hundreds of other families’ miracles as a midwife for the past 15 years, I have still longed for a child of my own. And not just a baby, but the whole experience of being pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding my child. So here we are.
We did have to give up on having a genetic connection to our child. We have had to use donor sperm as Paul had a vasectomy more than 20 years ago that was deemed “irreversible.” And after all this time of trying to conceive with my own eggs, the doctors have convinced me that at my age, 44, the only realistic option left is to use donor eggs as well.
So at this moment we have eight fertilized embryos made up of donor egg and sperm sitting in a dish at University Hospital. The best two or three of them will be transferred to my uterus on either Sat. Oct. 2nd, or Mon. the 4th. Any leftover will be frozen for possible future transfer if this doesn't work, or if we want a sibling one day. Perhaps it’s crazy, but I feel I finally have some hope.
[Okay, I confess. I scanned the above photo into my computer and used my drawing program to make the faces. Paul picked out the names, but these will probably not be the names we will use for the real baby(s).]
2/23/04
3/5/05
4/11/04
4/27/05
5/4/05
5/5/05
Yesterday I got an e-mail from a former client, Pam S. I helped her at her last two births. She wrote, "You have celebrating mother's day with your child, to look forward to. My kids were so excited to share with me what they had made or purchased, that they couldn't wait until tomorrow. They were each so sweet and sincere as they watched me open their gifts. How precious!" Yes, I have to say, that does sound like fun!
5/23/05
6/30/05
After more than two years and ten unsuccessful intrauterine inseminations, we are about to undergo an In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). When we first started down this road, I never thought we would go this far. Too expensive, too extreme, I thought. We will either adopt or accept childlessness. Well, I guess giving up is just not that easy.
10/3/04
Just thought I'd share the photo of
my new little darlings. These three were transferred to my
uterus yesterday. Three embryos transferred on the 3rd day after fertilization gives me a
60-70% chance of getting pregnant. Now begins the
longest two weeks of my life while I wait to find out if any or all of them "take".
The IVF was done in a sterile operating room so Paul got to wear this lovely get-up, plus a hat and mask and paper booties. They showed us our embryos on a large video screen and we watched as they sucked them up into a tiny catheter and then watched on an ultrasound screen as they injected them into my uterus. Pretty nifty. They were playing Beatles music during the pocedure, "I Wanna Hold Your Hand."
Here I am right after the IVF. I had to lay on my stomach for two hours and man, did I have to pee! Fortunately, I had the photo of my three little embryos to keep me amused. The weird thing was since all the GYN rooms were full, they put me in a labor & delivery room, and it happened to be a room in which I recently attended a lovely waterbirth. I'm hoping that is a good omen.
10/5/04
Just thought you'd all like to see the current photo. You know, a couple days ago they just looked like clumps of cells. It's amazing how quickly they take on human form!
12/10/04
We found out on 10/15/04 that we were pregnant. Yeah! But we didn't start really spreading the news until I was 12 weeks along since there was still a fairly high risk of miscarriage. Here is the e-mail I finally sent out:
Dear Friends,
If you haven't heard through the grapevine yet, here is the big news from the Murray household: I'm pregnant! Yes, courtesy of a costly little IVF procedure at University Hospital, I am currently 12 weeks and 2 days pregnant. My due date is June 22nd.
In October I had 3 embryos placed in my uterus. At the time they told me that the chance of triplets was around 5-10%, twins 20-30%, and greater than 50% chance of a single baby. Of course there was also the chance, however slim, that any or all of these embryos could have divided into identical twins. Thus I COULD, hypothetically, be carrying up to six babies. Yikes! Be careful what you wish for, right?
Since very early on, my uterus has been measuring quite large for a single baby. At various times in the last month I've had opinions from a CNM, a labor & delivery nurse, and an OB-GYN who all felt that I was two to four weeks larger than expected. All predicted twins at minimum. And given my size and symptoms, I felt certain of the same.
Well, today, at last, was my ultrasound. And you'll never believe what we found. Not two, not three, not four, five, or even six, but ONE perfect little baby. Phew! Not that we have anything against multiple babies, but I have to say we were more than a little relieved. No need to trade in the cars for minivans. No need to worry how my 44 year old body might handle a triplet pregnancy. No need to plan for a certain cesarean delivery. Just one normal everyday miracle. We are thrilled!
Here is our 12 week ultrasound photo. Yes, I know. It just looks like a fuzzy little shadow. But it's OUR fuzzy little shadow and we think it's the cutest, smartest, fuzzy little shadow in the whole world. ;-)
Twelve weeks pregnant. Do I look a little worried?
Most women won't even be showing yet at 12 weeks. And then there's me. This is why everyone thought we had two or three babies in there.
Here I am at 16 weeks.
2/4/05
At the 20 week ultrasound, our baby looked perfect and was growing normally.
Everybody wants to know if it's a boy or a girl. Well you can stop asking because we're not telling! I did not want to find out the baby's gender in advance, but Paul did. So we compromised. He found out and I didn't. But he is sworn to absolute secrecy. He is not allowed to tell me or ANYONE else. This includes you, mom! Don't worry. On the baby's birthday we will tell everyone!
2/6/05
I started feeling the baby move a few weeks ago, but today was the first time Paul was able to feel the baby kick!
The photo is from around 21 weeks.
Usually the uterus measures about the same number of centimeters as the number of weeks of pregnancy. At 9+5 weeks my uterus measured 14 cm. At 14+5 weeks it was 17 cm. Now at 23 weeks it is 24 cm, which is close enough to be considered normal. All my lab work has been normal, as has my blood pressure and everything else, and the baby is kicking every day now.
Paul’s dad, Woodrow Murray, passed away on Feb. 24th and today was the memorial service. He was 92 years old. Paul spent countless hours with him in Malachi House hospice, where he lived his final eight days. Paul, his mother, and his sister Becky, were all present when he peacefully slipped away. The memorial was very nice. Although he had a long, full life, we are sad to think that Woodrow won’t be here to meet this baby, who will probably be his last grandchild.
4/4/05
Yesterday I attended the last homebirth I will do before my baby is born. It was a long labor, but a very lovely birth of a healthy 9 pound 14 ounce girl. I love being a midwife, but at this stage of pregnancy I am ready to finally be off call. No more 3AM phone calls. I’ll be waking up at 3AM for other reasons soon enough.
The mom from this birth later gave me this fabulous "midwife mouse" that she made herself. I love it! Notice the "Midwife Supplies" bag, the fetascope around her neck and chart at her feet, the little pile of chux pads and receiving blankets with a baby toy on top, and of course, the baby under her arm. Too cute!
Paul started a new job today at a dental lab. He won’t be working with dental patients, but will be making false teeth: dentures, bridges, crowns and such. He’ll be doing lost wax casting, enamel painting and firing, and probably more that we don’t know about yet. It will be more hours and higher pay than the plant care job, and we’re hoping he will find the work more creative and enjoyable.
I am 32 weeks today. The photos above are all taken within the last week. The baby started getting hiccups about two weeks ago and has had them several times a day ever since. He or she is quite a strong little kicker now and my bladder seems to be a favorite spot to kick. Yikes! We’ve nicknamed the baby “kickapus,” which is like an octopus only kickier. Baby seems to still have plenty of room to wander and has been vertex (head down), breech (butt down), and transverse (sideways), all within the last week.
On a sad note, today would have been Forest’s 23rd birthday. It’s hard to imagine myself as the parent of an adult child and how different my life would have been.
Feeling rather superstitious, I did not start getting any new baby items or preparing our home for the baby until about three weeks ago. Now I have a lot to do in the next seven weeks or so. Lately, some of my family and friends have become quite insistent that they are just itching to give us mountains of baby gear and they seem convinced that many others are anxious to do the same. If you happen to be one of these people, you can click on our new Baby Wish List page for some ideas.
Happy International Midwives Day!
5/8/05
Happy Mother's Day! Paul, I mean, ahem, The Baby...gave me this very sweet angel baby Mother's Day card. The Baby wrote inside, "See you next month!" What a considerate baby.
I had a prenatal visit with my midwife pal, Char, today. Everything looks completely normal, baby head down, all systems are go!I'm due in one month, give or take a week or two.
6/9/05
We just got a digital camera, so now I can add pictures more quickly. I'm 38 weeks and one day now. Paul made my belly cast today. He got all artsy and took all the photos at odd angles.
And here is a photo from the next night, playing scrabble. Although it's convenient to have a built-in scrabble rack table, I'm hoping not to have it for much longer. Come on out baby! We're ready for you any time now.
6/18/05
39 weeks and 3 days.
6/26/05
40 weeks and 4 days. Some say you can't give birth until you're officially sick of being pregnant. Well, after several days of temps back in the 90's, I'd have to admit I'm miserable. I'm boiling hot, the heartburn is nearly constant, and take a look at my feet, which my husband charmingly describes as looking like bloated roadkill. Sadly, he's right. And it hurts to walk too. I'm doing all the usual midwifey methods to encourage labor, but no signs of anyone popping out yet. Stay tuned to this channel. It can't be too long now. I hope!
Meanwhile, as it's too hot to cook indoors, Paul has been perfecting his BBQ techniques. Doing pretty darn good too.
No baby yet. Eight days overdue. Grumble, grumble, grumble. Looks like we'll be having a July baby.
Click on the picture
to send us a note